02 May 2011

back to college.... my test of strength

Finally back in college, at lost last. Home sweet home. I thought the past two weeks at home wouldn't go fast enough, but all things considered, it did go pretty fast.

Maintained weight... Frustrated with myself for not losing, but at least I didn't gain, it's the only plus side I can see from the past two weeks. I mean, I ate so so much over all that time, and to maintain really is a good thing. I busted my ass at the gym to try and make up for my failings, but to little avail.

I can't let it happen again, especially over the summer. Why can't I stick to my diet(s) when I'm home? Why do I always binge? I need to be stronger. I have to be. The boy i
s going to Canada for a month and a half in summer. I can't have him come back and see that I've let myself become a hippo. I need to be thin for him, I have to be perfect for him.

The fact that he's lost so much weight himself in the past few months isn't ideal for me. I know he was training for the dualathon, and he didn't intend to loose as much weight as he did....but that makes it all the worse for me. He didn't intend to loose the weight, but he did it anyway. It feels like such a slap in the face, like he's proving the point or pointing out that I'm weak and I won't achieve my goals no matter how hard I try, simply because I'm not trying ha
rd enough. I'm also afraid that he'll end things when he gets back if I don't prove myself... Like I need to show him that I'm worthy of his love, affection and showing him and giving him a thinner, leaner, prettier me.

I need to be perfect for him. K deserves the best, he deserves my best, and I havn't been giving him that. I don't know what he sees in me...I just hope I'll be worth it all in the end one day.

Now that I'm back in the college apartment, it also means meeting up with C later to hear her mope for however she needs to vent. I guess I don't mind it so much, but I don't like how I can't open up to her in return. I'm beginning to think that maybe its because she needs to talk everyday, so I don't really get a break from her except at the weekend, and even then she's texting me about how much her life sucks won't tell me exactly whats up. I mean, what am I supposed to do with that?

She will be, without question, my biggest obstacle before summer. She's a feeder, a fatty at heart. She's absolutely, 100% completely a healthy lifestyle. I rarely see the girl eat a piece of fruit or God forbid a vegetable. We shall be going to the shops when she arrives down in about a half hour/hour. I'll be stocking up on all my f&v, but C will no doubt be getting a trolly of processed to death garbage. And then she'll insist on going to Abra or Apache. I can't allow myself to fall into her trap. She knows what she's doing and she always tries her hardest to drag me down with her. I need to stay strong and say 'No'. I need to learn how to fight the feeders. Mothers one too. It will help me prepare for the summer spent at home. I'll just have to wait and see how things go.

Thinspo/Fitspo for motivation:

I love that you can clearly see her ribs in this pose

Release your inner skinny

I aspire to have abs like this before the end of summer

Isn't she just stunning? I want this body!

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