29 April 2012

Things just aren't going my way

And it's pretty much been like this all weekend.

To sum up, my laptop died yesterday.  Brainless idiot that I am, managed to spill some water on it (about a table spoon worth).  Didn't think I'd actually killed it, but ya, just my luck.  Everything gone, college assignments (one due every week for the next three weeks), all my music (which I don't even want to think about), all my photos - God knows there was so many - which kills me inside because I'm not one for posting albums on Facebook or anything, so they're all gone - so many personal albums, not to mention all the thinspo/fitspo etc.  Absolutely devastated.

I'm also thinking of dropping out of college.
I'm just so close to breaking point right now, and I just don't know how to cope anymore.  I've got too much going on right now, and I'm just not able to go it alone anymore.  I need someone, and the only person I can think of to turn to doesn't really want much to do with me......

Also found out last week that one of my college friends is 7 and a half months pregnant.  She just found out at the beginning of April, and has just started to show.  She's in my class, and my classmates are simply the worlds worst for gossip.  I really want to be happy for Mo, but I can't.  I'm jealous of the fact that she's pregnant, and she was/is able to have hers.  She didn't even know, she could have been one of those 'I went to the toilet and had a baby' girls you sometimes read about in the trash magazines.  I think she's knows how I'm feeling, or she might have some sort of an idea.  She's one of only, what, 4, maybe 5 people that I ever told about the miscarriage?  I really wish I wasn't so jealous.  I do want to be happy for her, really I do...and I was when I first heard from her, but within 2 or 3 hours of that, all the feelings from the miscarriage come flooding back, and now I have this monster on my back that I can't shake.

so ya, life sucks.

25 April 2012

I just can't win

I wish, just for once, that things would work out the way I want/hoped they would.

P is still avoiding me...to a certain degree.  Saw him in the college canteen last night when I was on study break with L.  We were talking by the coffee machine for ages, and I knew he was sitting close enough to see us - and to be honest, I was testing him to see if he'd call me over to talk or at least say 'hi'.  Surprisingly he did, but forced conversation is never a good thing.  He has promised to come out in a few weeks to celebrate my birthday; I'm secretly setting myself up for the let-down that he's not gonna show, and that I won't see him before Boston.

We shall see.....

There's another guy too, Niall.  He's in a friends class, and I met him at her birthday in January.  Trying to seem somewhat classier, and not as 'easy' as I really am, I wouldn't go home with him that night.  Which I thought was fair enough, considering 'he's the guy everyone hates' (even though I know I should judge him by my own standards and not anybody else's).  Anyway, I thought he'd forgotten all about me, but no.  I met him while out with some friends two weeks ago, and he was still cracking onto me - why he was still interested I don't know....I guess it was more desperation for that one night than anything else.  Again I turned him down, but then I started to think he was really interested, so maybe I should give him a chance.  So I gave him his one shot, the only chance he'll ever have with me; come out with me this Saturday night...  And so the story goes, so predictable at this point.  "Hey sorry I can't got grinds and kinda a girlfriend :/"

Wow, amazing how things can change in 10 days.  But hey, it just reinforces the fact that no guy sees me as more than a ONS.  And it hurts, it really does.  Never being told your beautiful, or having someone tell you they love you.  You get told your pretty, generally when there's alcohol involved - thank you beer goggles!

I'm just not good enough.
No matter what I do, or how hard I try,
It's just NOT  ENOUGH

15 April 2012

It's been a while

Ok, I know it's been absolute ages since my last post.  Figured nobody would notice my absence, and who'd really care anyway?  In truth, my life's been falling apart, and it's come to a point where I just don't know what to do anymore, and I'm not so sure I can cope.

All I can do right now is summarize everything that's gone on in the past couple of months, and maybe get into more detail in later posts.

  1. I'm going to Boston for the summer with some friends.  Simply because this is me running away from all my problems at home for the summer.
  2. My dad has cancer, and he doesn't know if he's gonna make it through to the end of summer ie when I'm home for my birthday/start of summer/just before Boston, it could very well be the last time I see him.
  3. I'm haunted by my miscarriage last year, and nobody to turn to for help.
  4. Things with P finally got back on track after, what... almost 4 months of him not talking to me/avoiding me in person after I told him I had feelings for him and wanted more than a one night stand with him.  Not a relationship, but benefits, simple as.  He text me by mistake last Thursday night, and somehow I got the impression from the last text he sent that he wanted me.  So what did I do?  I told him I was still interested, but what was the point in getting my hopes up and us ruining our friendship. That I know all we'll ever be is just friends, but that was better than nothing.  And as expected, he's freaked, and now avoiding me.  Again.
  5. I got the bar in, which is me trying to be all responsible and grown up.... honestly though, before I got it, I thought it might give me some closure over the miscarriage...  I had it for 3 or 4 months before I got it, but I wanted it put in as close to the date I would have become mum.  If anything, I've been even more of an emotional wreck then before
  6. I started purging.  It's not as frequent as what it used to be...mostly because I don't think I'm very good at it.  It's like I'm not trying hard enough and I feel like not matter how much I get up, there's always way more still left inside.
  7. I've also lost 2.5 st or 28 lbs since Christmas.  For a split second, when I saw my reflection in the mirror last night (in my underwear) I thought I looked good.  But then I remembered it was me in the mirror, and could only laugh at the thought of ever looking good...whatthehell was i thinking!