15 April 2012

It's been a while

Ok, I know it's been absolute ages since my last post.  Figured nobody would notice my absence, and who'd really care anyway?  In truth, my life's been falling apart, and it's come to a point where I just don't know what to do anymore, and I'm not so sure I can cope.

All I can do right now is summarize everything that's gone on in the past couple of months, and maybe get into more detail in later posts.

  1. I'm going to Boston for the summer with some friends.  Simply because this is me running away from all my problems at home for the summer.
  2. My dad has cancer, and he doesn't know if he's gonna make it through to the end of summer ie when I'm home for my birthday/start of summer/just before Boston, it could very well be the last time I see him.
  3. I'm haunted by my miscarriage last year, and nobody to turn to for help.
  4. Things with P finally got back on track after, what... almost 4 months of him not talking to me/avoiding me in person after I told him I had feelings for him and wanted more than a one night stand with him.  Not a relationship, but benefits, simple as.  He text me by mistake last Thursday night, and somehow I got the impression from the last text he sent that he wanted me.  So what did I do?  I told him I was still interested, but what was the point in getting my hopes up and us ruining our friendship. That I know all we'll ever be is just friends, but that was better than nothing.  And as expected, he's freaked, and now avoiding me.  Again.
  5. I got the bar in, which is me trying to be all responsible and grown up.... honestly though, before I got it, I thought it might give me some closure over the miscarriage...  I had it for 3 or 4 months before I got it, but I wanted it put in as close to the date I would have become mum.  If anything, I've been even more of an emotional wreck then before
  6. I started purging.  It's not as frequent as what it used to be...mostly because I don't think I'm very good at it.  It's like I'm not trying hard enough and I feel like not matter how much I get up, there's always way more still left inside.
  7. I've also lost 2.5 st or 28 lbs since Christmas.  For a split second, when I saw my reflection in the mirror last night (in my underwear) I thought I looked good.  But then I remembered it was me in the mirror, and could only laugh at the thought of ever looking good...whatthehell was i thinking!

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