30 January 2012

I lost weight while I was in the Netherlands/Holland.  To be completely honest about it, I'm surprised.  I wasn't eating much over there, but I ended up drinking loads!  Way too much, but I couldn't really just drink water for the 5 or 6 days I was there.  I spent loads of money too, and got nothing to show for it.  No souvineers for the family or friends or anything.  I don't know if I smoked all that much either.  I don't know where the hell it went, all on transport I guess.

I think I'm happy with it overall.  It's all a loss and not a gain....but it could have been so much better.

21 January 2012

I binged yesterday.  I can't remember the reasoning behind it, but I binged.  I didn't want to step on the scales today for fear of the number that would stare back at me.  Surprisingly though, I still lost weight from my last weigh in.  Another 2 lbs.  I'm not going to lie, I'm absolutely delighted with it.  And I'm even happier with the fact that I'm going to Holland in 6hours, and won't be back until next Saturday.
I know I won't be eating much over there because I won't trust that the food is vegan.  I'm bringing some bars (100cal) in case I need the energy.  If it was just a holiday I wouldn't bother, but it's for college, and it's group work with another Irish student and 2 Dutch students.  I don't want my lack of focus or concentration to affect their overall grade, whatever about my own.
I won't be drinking much, or maybe even not at all over there.  I really need to pay a visit to the dentist soon, my teeth are hurting so bad right now (also a great reason for not eating).  I'm hoping my class mates won't notice the avoidance of food too much though.  I'll try and cover up as best I can.  None of them were at Mo's 21st either, so it's not like they'll be keeping an eye on me on purpose.

Until next week,
Keep strong

17 January 2012

So I've lost 4lbs since I was home last, about 2 weeks ago.  It's not the greatest, but a loss is a loss right?  I know it's not enough, but I'm gonna try my hardest to keep loosing, and to  be losing more

I've already posted about how awful I looked at Caroline's 21st, and I don't want to know what I looked like at Mo's.  The pictures are already posted on facebook, 260 of them!  She's only tagged me in 5.  I can't remember if I was in more than that or not, but I know I was avoiding the cameras' like the plague.

The food situation was perfect on Friday and Sunday.  Left for her house on Friday at 3, and it was around 6 o clock by the time I got down there (she lives on the coast, so it took that long to get there from the city).  Her mom already had dinner made for me, but I told them I'd picked up something in the shops half way down (lies) so I wasn't hungry (in truth I'd fasted up until then, and got away with just eating some peas, cabbage).  Also got to fast on Sunday - feeling sick from all I drank the night before (had 2 vodka and diet cokes, was drinking iced water the rest of the night, but they didn't know that).

Now for Saturday...what a disaster.
Mo had rented 2 holiday homes for all her friends to stay in for the weekend.  Her party was Saturday night, but a few of us went down on Friday.  I stayed in one of the houses with Mo and 4 other girls, and her sister, brother-in-law (who's a chef) and 3 of her brothers stayed in the other house.  I tried to sleep in for as long as I could Saturday morning (hoping to avoid breakfast), but they waited.  I mean, it was after midday at this stage, and I know they'd been up about the house since 8ish.  I managed to get away with a banana and a slice of toast, while the rest of them stuffed their faces with waffles, rashers/bacon, sausages, fried eggs, hash browns and 2 loaves of bread!  It was sickening to watch them all eat so much food.  Took the best part of an hour to cook it all, and it was gone in 10 minutes.  It actually makes me sick thinking about it.

Because we had breakfast so late (courtesy of yours truely), we were able to avoid lunch (but the girls filled up on junk food from the shop later in the day).  We started setting up the pub for the party, and when we got back to the rented houses, I was bombarded with questions about what I could and couldn't eat (vegan, so got to avoid the cakes too...that's right, there was 2 of them!).  They were doing these cocktail sausage rolls, spring rolls, mince pies and God knows what else.  I told them to just prep a salad for me later in the evening and that would be fine, but no, the darling chef insisted on preparing as much food for me as he would be for everyone else.  In his own words:  "Everyone else is going to be stuffing their faces all night, you might as well be too".

He made a few spring rolls, which I doubt were vegan, and some sandwiches.  He had my food in a seperate basket to the food for everyone else, just so I could eat.  So I was literally sitting in the pub with a basket of food in front of me, with all eyes on me, waiting for me to finish it.  Lucking there was another vegetarian there, so he helped me with the sandwiches - I was picking the salad out of the bread, he ate all the rest.  We managed to slip away to the toilets and flush the rest of them, and most of the spring rolls too.

I thought I'd gotten away with it, because this guy had been in on it too, but the asshole ratted me out to Mo and said that I hadn't eaten a single thing all night (bad move sticking with him after).  Don't even want to talk about the drama that kicked off back in the house afterwards - the less said the better, but I don't ever want to see that back stabber again.

11 January 2012

I had a 21st on Saturday, and the pictures have just been posted on facebook...Sweet baby Jesus, I look Horiffic!  I thought I looked good, acceptable, didn't think I'd be mortified when I saw any pictures.  How niave was I.

I don't know what I was thinking, I mean, I really should have known how bad I looked.  I would ask for the pictures to be taken down, but I know the girl won't, and she'll only be asking questions (which I could do without).

My clothes suddenly feel tighter, much tighter.  I havn't ate much today, just some fruit and vegetables.  I should have fasted.  If I had seen the pictures before, I would have.  I'll fast tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that.  Fast for as long as I physically can.
I need to get all this fat off my bones.  It makes me feel dirty, dirty to the core and working my ass off  in the gym (literally) is the only thing that will make me feel clean again.

I also kissed a guy that night.  A guy nobody likes, but was invited to the party because he's in the same class as the birthday girl.  My friends' wern't happy that I kissed him (well, he kissed me, but whatever).  On seeing the photos and knowing what I looked like, I don't what the hell he saw, what he was thinking...maybe it was a dare?  Either that, or I look amazing through drunk eyes.

Meeting one of the guys for tea tomorrow, and gonna hit the gym hard afterwards.  I really can't afford to miss a day.  Hoping this picture from Saturday will push me to carry on tomorrow.  I need to give everything I have, give it my all.  I need to work out until my legs turn to jelly cuz I've worked so hard and can barely stand.

Get rid of this disgusting fat that has taken over by body.
I need to regain control

01 January 2012

Aim for 2012

So everyone seems to be posting about their New Years resolutions etc. etc., so I'll follow along too.
It's quite simple really.
But at the same time, I can't help but feel it's totally unrealistic.

That is all.

To be confident.

You know your truely confident if you have confidence when naked in front of another person.
Especially if that someone holds a place in your heart.
And even more so when you know that person doesn't feel as strongly for you as you do for them.

is it really too much to ask?