21 May 2011
Don't have much to say. Been busy all day with study. Havn't got as much exercise in as I'd have hoped. Took a proper look in the mirror earlier and I was disgusted with what I saw. I need to up the workout intensity, without question. And really need to start fasting again. I'm not sure if it's really an option while I'm still doing exams, but as soon as they're over I'll start regularly fasting. It really is the only solution. Work yourself to the bone and don't allow yourself to binge. What I'll start classifying as binging is going to have to change too. And 2-4-6-8 starting as of Wednesday or Thursday. i'm not entirely sure yet as my final exam is on Wednesday, and i may need to eat to keep my brain working for the exam....i'll have to wait and see. Waiting no longer that Thursday though.
Not sure what's going with the boy. Getting frustrated with all the secrets and feelings of insignificance. CH was also telling me Rich has a thing for me. Pity he's off to Boston for the summer, fat chance for anything happening there. What was the point in even telling me, honestly. Ugh, having such a shit day. Just can't wait for it to be over
20 May 2011
So the big 21st is today, and I shan't be going out celebrating. It's almost a blessing in one sense that it falls slap-bang in the middle of exams. Most of my 'friends' are gone home for the weekend; I use that term loosely. I got a grand total of 9 birthday texts today. How tragic. My friends know it's my birthday....as in, my 9 little friends. I think it's sad to know how little I really matter to people, I mean, to actually know how little I mean to them. I am only too well aware that if I was still on facebook I would have a considerable amount more, but Facebook friends aren't really friends. They're screen friends....they won't be there for you when you really need them/anyone by your side.
I went into college earlier to pick up my hoodie from Photography society (finally after 2 months). I bumped into AK & SB in the shop while I was waiting to meet chairperson...and I end up getting a cup of hot milky water thrown all over me. (Screw you AK in all your cheap-skate ways!!) What a way to feel the love on your bday.
The girls I was living with moved out today after their one and only exam. Early Childhood have it so easy! I took the opportunity to throw out most of my food, so I pretty much porridge, fruit and veg left. I can exercise as much and eat as little as I like without any questions being asked. What heaven.
I fully intend to eat as little as I possibly can while I can. I binged yesterday - 3 bars of chocolate and a packet of crisps. I could put the blame down to aunt flo's monthly visit, but I won't. I know it was my own weakness. I need to be stronger, I have to be stronger. It's the only way I will ever achieve my goals.
18 May 2011
Don't have a scales in college, which I will need to sort out for next semester (note to self). I measured Sunday night, and remeasured this morning. The inch loss is as follows:
Left thigh: 1.5
Right thigh: 1
I think this is pretty impressive in just 4 days, lets hope I can keep in up, and that I havn't just jinxed myself in the process. F**k it, I won't let myself jinx it. What I'm doing is clearly working, so I just need to increase the intensity of my workout now. I have nothing standing in my way only myself. I'm itching for a weight in, but I literally can't. This is also going to keep me motivated to loose as much as I possibly can before the end of the month; weigh-in time.
17 May 2011
Suicide or Survive is an Irish charity. One of the girls emailed the founder of the charity and bought these gifts from them (the charity), and gave them to whoever helped her the most throughout the year.....her nearest and dearest friends as it were.
These gifts are 'Lifes Little Emergency Kit', and it's the sweetest thing.
It's a little bag with a card attached, which reads:
An elastic band, to stretch yourself to your limit
Marbels, in case you lose your own
A coin so that you are never broke
String, to keep things together if they fall apart
An eraser, to wipe away any mistakes
A Rose, to remind you that someone
*Those in italics are the contents of the bag.
It such a lovely gesture to give this, and I feel somewhat special to have been one of the few to receive this from her. It's the kind of thing that I will treasure forever.
On another note, food is going pretty well. Have a chest infection and the glands in my throat are swelling up, most likely it's down to stress of exams. It's next to impossible to eat though, which is absolutely amazing!! Havn't had as much time for exercise as I'd like to, and the college gym has weird hours now that exams have started (exams in sportshall below gym). It's a pity, but I try and do as much as I can in my room, but I miss all the variety I can get in the gym. Circuits in a cramped little college bedroom is no good. But alas it's all I have to work with.
Can't wait until finals are over and I'm home for the summer...and get the see the boy again. It's been too long, and the fact that he's going to Canada for half the summer is doing me no good. I will have to throw myself into exercise the fill up the gaps in my day.
I think I'll cut down on the amount I work too. I have absolutely no intention of spending my summer working for people who don't appreciate me. The original plan was to quit at the end of summer, but I'm not thinking the end of July. Why stay in a place that drains me of everything I'm worth, and is no good to me in the long run. It has absolutely nothing got to do with what I hope to achieve in the future. The place, and most of the workers there are poison. The sooner I'm out of there the better.
15 May 2011
So it's been a while since I last updated...not that it matters much really. I've been over-whelmed with college the past couple of weeks. And come May 25th it's officially summer!
My first exam isn't until Thursday, thankfully. I was just on the library website checking if some books I need for study are still available when I get a text message from a girl in my class looking to know what I'm studying for the exam. Excuse me Ms. O'B, of I'm not mistaken, you were in all the same lecture's as I was....therefore you have all the same notes as I do so don't be starting with this bull of 'oh I don't know what's coming up and I need your help', WHATEVER!! It's the same shit as begging me to download skype for you so you can talk to your ex in Oz, who, according to all the stories you've told me, has been harassing you since before he left, wanting to get back together. You say your not interested in him, and that you've cut all ties.........ya, sure you have. Wonder what the current guy would think about that?
Anyway, now that that's off my chest, the important stuff to blog about.
Weighed in yesterday after a few weeks of avoiding it. I knew I gained because of sheer laziness and gluttony...a whopping 4kgs/8lbs. Disgusting right? My only saving grace is that I won't be going home until the end of the month, so I can fast at the weekend...and with exams coming up I quite simply can't afford the time to pig out! My time shall be spent studying, working out and sleeping. I won't even be celebrating my 21st this Friday because I'm just too fat, can't fit into the dress I was going to wear as well as I'd like to, so party's off. Nobody cares really, which is a slap in the face on one hand, but on the other it saves me the humiliation for the entire night, and the life long pictures that would haunt me forever more.
Bumped into Kar B on Wednesday morning college. We had a good catch up, about an hour. It cleared up a lot of things I'd heard from AK, and Kar's side of things make way more sense. I can't believe I ever bought her BS stories, and everything about GF really takes the biscuit. She's unreal, and also looking to live with me next year, I sorry, but I'd simply crack up, and gain a tonne cuz that girl is no good for the waist line what-so-ever.
Ugh, this blog is all over the place. What can I say, my mind's all over the place.
Need to stay focused on one simple little thing though:
04 May 2011
First day of the SGD went pretty damn well yesterday. Fasted until 2.30, ate a banana and a square of chocolate. Dinner (at 5) was some pita bread with lettuce, 3 cherry tomatoes and 3 strips of pepper.
So the breakdown of cals is:
Banana: 90 cals
Pita Bread: 76 cals
Cherry Tomatoes: 1.5
Net Cal: 205, out of a possible 400 :D
Did the Wilton Walk during my study break. Was going to go to the gym with S after dinner, but I'd promised C Sunday that I'd go for a walk with her....and of course she changed her mind last minute. Typical. So ended up going for a walk on my own, which was find because C would only slow me down. Going to hit the gym for about 2 hours if not more later after my meeting with CB. Going to give it everything I have because I didn't make it in yesterday. I'll also have a better idea of how many calories I'm burning at the gym too. It's going to be a good day
03 May 2011
Starting the SGD today, and I'm really excited and hopeful for it. Right now I'm thinking I won't/shouldn't weigh myself until the diet is over (30 days), but if I cave I can only allow myself to weigh once a week. This would be at the weekend because I don't have a scales at college.
Plan for the day food wise is small salad at lunch, dinner will be some broccoli, sweet corn and garden peas. If I absolutely have to snack I'll have some dried fruit, but nothing over 400cals.
Exercise plan for the day; gym for 2 hours after dinner and do the Wilton Walk.
Shall post tonight to say how plans went
02 May 2011
Finally back in college, at lost last. Home sweet home. I thought the past two weeks at home wouldn't go fast enough, but all things considered, it did go pretty fast.
Maintained weight... Frustrated with myself for not losing, but at least I didn't gain, it's the only plus side I can see from the past two weeks. I mean, I ate so so much over all that time, and to maintain really is a good thing. I busted my ass at the gym to try and make up for my failings, but to little avail.
I can't let it happen again, especially over the summer. Why can't I stick to my diet(s) when I'm home? Why do I always binge? I need to be stronger. I have to be. The boy i
s going to Canada for a month and a half in summer. I can't have him come back and see that I've let myself become a hippo. I need to be thin for him, I have to be perfect for him.
The fact that he's lost so much weight himself in the past few months isn't ideal for me. I know he was training for the dualathon, and he didn't intend to loose as much weight as he did....but that makes it all the worse for me. He didn't intend to loose the weight, but he did it anyway. It feels like such a slap in the face, like he's proving the point or pointing out that I'm weak and I won't achieve my goals no matter how hard I try, simply because I'm not trying ha
rd enough. I'm also afraid that he'll end things when he gets back if I don't prove myself... Like I need to show him that I'm worthy of his love, affection and showing him and giving him a thinner, leaner, prettier me.
I need to be perfect for him. K deserves the best, he deserves my best, and I havn't been giving him that. I don't know what he sees in me...I just hope I'll be worth it all in the end one day.
Now that I'm back in the college apartment, it also means meeting up with C later to hear her mope for however she needs to vent. I guess I don't mind it so much, but I don't like how I can't open up to her in return. I'm beginning to think that maybe its because she needs to talk everyday, so I don't really get a break from her except at the weekend, and even then she's texting me about how much her life sucks won't tell me exactly whats up. I mean, what am I supposed to do with that?
She will be, without question, my biggest obstacle before summer. She's a feeder, a fatty at heart. She's absolutely, 100% completely a healthy lifestyle. I rarely see the girl eat a piece of fruit or God forbid a vegetable. We shall be going to the shops when she arrives down in about a half hour/hour. I'll be stocking up on all my f&v, but C will no doubt be getting a trolly of processed to death garbage. And then she'll insist on going to Abra or Apache. I can't allow myself to fall into her trap. She knows what she's doing and she always tries her hardest to drag me down with her. I need to stay strong and say 'No'. I need to learn how to fight the feeders. Mothers one too. It will help me prepare for the summer spent at home. I'll just have to wait and see how things go.
Thinspo/Fitspo for motivation:
I love that you can clearly see her ribs in this pose
Release your inner skinny
I aspire to have abs like this before the end of summer
Isn't she just stunning? I want this body!
01 May 2011
You know that song by Mika, 'Big Girls (You Are Beautiful)'? Well I have a question about that, just one simple little question.....
What the F**k were you thinking?
'Big girls' (to be nice about them) are a joke, they should be ashamed of themselves, fat f**ks. I mean seriously like, why would you do that to yourself, and why would you let the world see you in such a wretched state?
The mortification of it. Lock them up and throw away the key!!
Even when they try to look pretty/beautiful and God forbid, sexy, they just look even more horrendous then they normally would.
Leave the sexy for the skinny minis please and thank you