24 May 2012

May 24

I really don't know where to begin.  I've so much I need to talk about right now, and I've lost count of the amount of posts I've written and not posted.

My head is all over the place right now.

I'll start off with Boston - going there next week for the summer.  I'm not too excited about it right now, but I will be.  I already know that I'm using the summer to come to terms with a lot of my issues, and I know it's not going to be easy.

Trying to put everything into perspective, I think getting over P is going to be the hardest of all.  He said we're 'never ever going to happen', and it has absolutely destroyed me.  He doesn't see it, he thinks everything is just fine.  In reality, he has hurt me more than anyone ever has.  There's also a lot of jealousy whenever I see him with a girl, which is something else I need to get over.  If I can't get over him by the end of summer, I don't know how, or if I'll be able to carry on with our friendship.

I need to spend time getting over the miscarriage too.  I went shopping for baby stuff with my friend who is expecting her daughter in a few weeks.  She knew something was up, but didn't know how to bring it up.  A part of me wanted to start buying a load of clothes, as if I was buying for my own kid, and I guess I'm worried that when I'm asked to babysit and other stuff that I'll break, and wind up treating the kid like she's my own when Mo isn't around.  I'm pretty sure Mo thinks the same though....so I'm not sure how that whole thing is going to work out (if it even happens in the first place, and if it does, will it work itself out at all?)

Another major issue over the summer is going to be the food stuff, obviously enough.  I gained 7 lbs over the last 3 weeks, and lost it all once my exams finished.  Stepped on the scales the day after my last exam and they were gone! :)  Don't know how I managed it, but I'm absolutely delighted with it.  I'm freaked over how many eyes are going to be watching me in the house.  I know Dee will be cuz she was when we went to Holland in January, and she's already said that there won't be a repeat performance.

We'll see about that!

The last half of my class finished their exams today, so I need to go out tonight.  I'm not going to drink as much as the rest of my class - there really isn't any excuse for all those extra calories now is there?


13 May 2012

I Wish...

I wish I was thin

I wish I had the self-control I so desperately need

I wish I had the will power to carry on through the hard times, and listen to the voice in my head that knows whats best

I wish for

09 May 2012

May 7

I wish I could say today was a good day.

I've been stressed to bits with all the assignment deadlines in the next day or two, and having to do two 100% group assignments by myself because my partner felt she was too good/busy to work on them hasn't helped matters either.
I went to a revision class this morning for finance, which finished at lunch time.  The girl I'll be living with next year wanted to go for lunch, so I decided I'd join her - but just for tea.  I don't know how she managed it, but she convinced me to get a plate of chips.  I don't know why I got it, and more to the point, why I ate it.  I wasn't even hungry.
I really hope this isn't an insight into what its going to be like to live with her next year.  I was bad enough with C tempting me with that crap once a week (rarely giving in, thank God).  But seriously though, I don't understand how people can scoff down entire pizzas, garlic breads, chips, onion rings, and whatever else takes their fancy.  I just don't get the fast food thing.  Whenever I do fall into the trap of getting it, I always end up purging after cuz I feel to disgusting.  I mean, I can literally feel the fat sticking to my insides - who wants that?

Supersize....or Superskinny??

06 May 2012

Struggling Right Now

Ok, so it's 8 o clock in the evening right now, and I'm finding it so tempting to go eat something.  It's like I can feel a binge coming on - the last thing I need right now!  I've already eaten too much today.  I'm going to look through thinspo until this false hunger goes away.  Wonder how long that will take?

I need to prove to myself that I have the control and determination to make it through to the morning without a single morsel  of food.

We can do this together, we are not alone.
Stay strong girlies