What I hate, What I want

I hate the fact that I have one of the largest noses.
-Scratch that, I hate the fact that I have one of the largest BODIES.
-I hate how the guy I adore, love, and would do absolutely anything for doesn't notice me, and he would be easily attainable if I were thinner/prettier.
-I hate that my hair is thinning out.
-I hate how I'm anti-social.
-I hate how I can never trust people in my life, and then I eventually lose them.
-I hate that I can't keep friends.
-I hate that I'm constantly looking over my shoulders worrying about whether somebody is talking about me behind my back or not.
-I hate how I'm an awkward person to be around...
-I hate my clothing style. I hate my eyes. I hate the color of my hair..
-I hate my past. Every little detail about it.
-I hate how everyone talks to me as though I'm a child.
-I hate that I can't find nice clothing.
-I hate that I cannot have thin legs, arms, and a flat stomach.
-I hate that I blow things off until the last minute, or until it's too late.
-I hate that I've lost my motivation for Ana.
-I hate that I may never be thin if I don't keep this up.
-I hate that I haven't lost anything in the matter of 2 months.
-I hate how I assume everyone dislikes me; and when I assume otherwise, they actually do dislike like.
-I hate the fact that I cannot find anymore hope.

I hate hating myself.


I want to be thin.
I want to be perfect.
I want a boyfriend.
I want my family and friends to love me again.
I want to trust others, and most importantly, trust myself.

I done fooling around. Now, everything I say and do will be serious. Every time I see food, I'll think about how much I despise myself. I truly just want to be loved.
This is my motivation.

So I made a post a while back that has meant I've had to revert some of my posts into drafts.

The post I'm talking about included pictures of a girl I met over the summer, and there was previous posts that, if my blog was found by certain people, would definitely like it back to me.

So I've hidden my posts from the past 10 months, but it's not like there was a tone of them to begin with anyway.

I'll be posting more regularly though, because I need this.

I need this little place of my own that I can purge all my thoughts and not get judged by it.

It's what friends are for, but I don't have many of those.  I slept with my best friend a few months ago.  I thought it was going to make our friendship stronger, and he thought it was going to destroy us, so he avoided me for a month afterwards.  We got back on track after we talked about it, and I learned he had feelings for me too (he's known about my feelings for him for just over a year now).  Anyway, he told me he wanted to get in a relationship with me, but was afraid because of a past relationship.  I know what happened in this relationship, and I completely understand the boys concerns' of getting in another relationship.

Now here's the problem.  A mutual friend of ours is pretty much trying to force me and boy into a relationship, which isn't doing us any favours.  Shit hit the fan a few weeks thanks to this particular friend.  I hadn't seen the boy in 4 or 5 weeks, and she told me he had been going out with this girl for the past 3 weeks.  I didn't believe it because I've known the boy the last 3 years, and I know what he's like when it comes to relationships, and I know he wouldn't betray me like that - to make me feel all these feelings again.  The poison of those rumors made me call him out on what was going on with this other girl (I'll say it like I was actually with him).  He got pissed that I was getting involved, which I get because I did cross the line...in all fairness, despite how hard it may be to admit that, it is true.

I was heartbroken after these rumors and told myself that I wouldn't be  the one to chase after him and be the only one making an effort to save our friendship.  Basically it was down to him to apologize.   But, I caved after 2 days.  I text him to tell him that I was sorry for crossing the like, and explained that I was hurt, but he had to get that because of everything he told me.

Anyway, he's back talking to me again...of sorts.  He text me Christmas Day to wish me a happy Christmas, which really did mean a lot. I asked him if we could meet up after New Years, and he agreed.  Chats will be had but if it sorts things out, even just a little, it will be worth it.

I've been in a pattern of binge and restrict since all this happened. I've been doing the soup diet since Christmas because I ate so so much.  I don't know what my weight was when I started this current cycle of mess that I'm currently in, but I checked my weight when I came home from work today and I'm down about 4-6 lbs from where I remember last struggling to loose even a single lb.

So I've gained some control back, and things seem to be working out again.

How Come Your Not Here?

It's a simple question, with a not so simple answer.

Still without my best friend.

Realised this morning that I started this year not knowing if we were still friends or not (in the midst of the silent treatment for opening up about my feelings for him), and that I'm finishing the year in the same boat.  Not knowing if we're still friends, or how long it's going to take me to find out.

Pinks song 'How Come Your Not Here' pretty much sums up how I've been feeling the past couple of weeks, so hence the blog title and video.

Damage Control

I'm in serious need of some real friends right now.  I don't trust the ones I have any more.  All they do is cause drama.

I went to C & L's house on Saturday night for a 'girls night in'.  When L came home from work, they hit me with the news that by best friend is going out with girl, A, and that they've together for the past 3 weeks at least.

This wouldn't be a problem, except for the fact that 6 weeks ago, after his Graduation, he told me that he wanted to be with me, but was afraid of getting hurt, and was afraid of hurting me too. We said we'd forget we ever happened because he was so awkward after we got together, and he agreed that it would be a good idea....but then he went on to say that he'd still be  coming onto me because he really does like me, and that it's up to me to turn him down.  Again, that would be all well and good, but I was the one to get hurt last year when I opened up about my feelings to him, and he bolted.

One year later, all the stuff I didn't want to happen has happened.  We had sex, he got awkward, he didn't talk to me for a month afterwards (because I pretty much hunted him down in the end).  The one thing I didn't see coming was him telling me he had/has feelings for me.

I havn't really seen him since that conversation, because he's busy living his own life and I'm busy with college and work and stuff.

I was devastated on Saturday when I head he was with someone.  And the girls convinced me to text him asking how his girlfriend was.  I'm not sure if he realised what I said or not, because he text back saying that he wasn't too bad, and asked how I was.  I called him out on how 'happy' I am that he's not afraid of relationships anymore, and asked him if he even remembered us having that conversation...then I called him a retard.  He got pissed, naturally enough, wanting to know who was saying he was in a relationship.  I told him what I knew....that the girl, A, who he's seeing right now has been telling everyone that they've been together however long and asked him if he could understand why I'd be upset, considering that he told me he wanted me but was afraid of it.  I think this fear of his is also to do with the fact that we've known each other for two and a half years, and our friendship means the world to the two of us (or to me at least).

I text him about two hours ago apologising for what I said on Sunday, but that I only said it because I was hurt by all the stuff I was hearing.  It completely contradicted what I was told by him; I felt betrayed.  I also told him that I'm not sure where we stand right now, like if we're still friends or not, and that I'm worried about us.

I don't know when, or if I'll hear from him.  I'll be devastated if we're not.

I jumped the gun, I trusted what the girls were telling me when I should have known better.  The boy and I have never had a fight before, and I'm totally freaked that our first could also be our last, and the end of our relationship

Just Because It Zips Doesn't Mean It Fits

Gold hot pants are a No-No, especially when you've got thunder thighs.






It also doesn't help to go in pictures with just you and your best friend...when she's literally half the size of you



I mean really...!!

May 24

I really don't know where to begin.  I've so much I need to talk about right now, and I've lost count of the amount of posts I've written and not posted.

My head is all over the place right now.

I'll start off with Boston - going there next week for the summer.  I'm not too excited about it right now, but I will be.  I already know that I'm using the summer to come to terms with a lot of my issues, and I know it's not going to be easy.

Trying to put everything into perspective, I think getting over P is going to be the hardest of all.  He said we're 'never ever going to happen', and it has absolutely destroyed me.  He doesn't see it, he thinks everything is just fine.  In reality, he has hurt me more than anyone ever has.  There's also a lot of jealousy whenever I see him with a girl, which is something else I need to get over.  If I can't get over him by the end of summer, I don't know how, or if I'll be able to carry on with our friendship.

I need to spend time getting over the miscarriage too.  I went shopping for baby stuff with my friend who is expecting her daughter in a few weeks.  She knew something was up, but didn't know how to bring it up.  A part of me wanted to start buying a load of clothes, as if I was buying for my own kid, and I guess I'm worried that when I'm asked to babysit and other stuff that I'll break, and wind up treating the kid like she's my own when Mo isn't around.  I'm pretty sure Mo thinks the same though....so I'm not sure how that whole thing is going to work out (if it even happens in the first place, and if it does, will it work itself out at all?)

Another major issue over the summer is going to be the food stuff, obviously enough.  I gained 7 lbs over the last 3 weeks, and lost it all once my exams finished.  Stepped on the scales the day after my last exam and they were gone! :)  Don't know how I managed it, but I'm absolutely delighted with it.  I'm freaked over how many eyes are going to be watching me in the house.  I know Dee will be cuz she was when we went to Holland in January, and she's already said that there won't be a repeat performance.

We'll see about that!

The last half of my class finished their exams today, so I need to go out tonight.  I'm not going to drink as much as the rest of my class - there really isn't any excuse for all those extra calories now is there?

Thinspo:

I Wish...

I wish I was thin

I wish I had the self-control I so desperately need

I wish I had the will power to carry on through the hard times, and listen to the voice in my head that knows whats best

I wish for

May 7

I wish I could say today was a good day.

I've been stressed to bits with all the assignment deadlines in the next day or two, and having to do two 100% group assignments by myself because my partner felt she was too good/busy to work on them hasn't helped matters either.
I went to a revision class this morning for finance, which finished at lunch time.  The girl I'll be living with next year wanted to go for lunch, so I decided I'd join her - but just for tea.  I don't know how she managed it, but she convinced me to get a plate of chips.  I don't know why I got it, and more to the point, why I ate it.  I wasn't even hungry.
I really hope this isn't an insight into what its going to be like to live with her next year.  I was bad enough with C tempting me with that crap once a week (rarely giving in, thank God).  But seriously though, I don't understand how people can scoff down entire pizzas, garlic breads, chips, onion rings, and whatever else takes their fancy.  I just don't get the fast food thing.  Whenever I do fall into the trap of getting it, I always end up purging after cuz I feel to disgusting.  I mean, I can literally feel the fat sticking to my insides - who wants that?







Supersize....or Superskinny??

Struggling Right Now

Ok, so it's 8 o clock in the evening right now, and I'm finding it so tempting to go eat something.  It's like I can feel a binge coming on - the last thing I need right now!  I've already eaten too much today.  I'm going to look through thinspo until this false hunger goes away.  Wonder how long that will take?

I need to prove to myself that I have the control and determination to make it through to the morning without a single morsel  of food.

We can do this together, we are not alone.
Stay strong girlies
xx

Things just aren't going my way

And it's pretty much been like this all weekend.

To sum up, my laptop died yesterday.  Brainless idiot that I am, managed to spill some water on it (about a table spoon worth).  Didn't think I'd actually killed it, but ya, just my luck.  Everything gone, college assignments (one due every week for the next three weeks), all my music (which I don't even want to think about), all my photos - God knows there was so many - which kills me inside because I'm not one for posting albums on Facebook or anything, so they're all gone - so many personal albums, not to mention all the thinspo/fitspo etc.  Absolutely devastated.

I'm also thinking of dropping out of college.
I'm just so close to breaking point right now, and I just don't know how to cope anymore.  I've got too much going on right now, and I'm just not able to go it alone anymore.  I need someone, and the only person I can think of to turn to doesn't really want much to do with me......

Also found out last week that one of my college friends is 7 and a half months pregnant.  She just found out at the beginning of April, and has just started to show.  She's in my class, and my classmates are simply the worlds worst for gossip.  I really want to be happy for Mo, but I can't.  I'm jealous of the fact that she's pregnant, and she was/is able to have hers.  She didn't even know, she could have been one of those 'I went to the toilet and had a baby' girls you sometimes read about in the trash magazines.  I think she's knows how I'm feeling, or she might have some sort of an idea.  She's one of only, what, 4, maybe 5 people that I ever told about the miscarriage?  I really wish I wasn't so jealous.  I do want to be happy for her, really I do...and I was when I first heard from her, but within 2 or 3 hours of that, all the feelings from the miscarriage come flooding back, and now I have this monster on my back that I can't shake.

so ya, life sucks.

I just can't win

I wish, just for once, that things would work out the way I want/hoped they would.

P is still avoiding me...to a certain degree.  Saw him in the college canteen last night when I was on study break with L.  We were talking by the coffee machine for ages, and I knew he was sitting close enough to see us - and to be honest, I was testing him to see if he'd call me over to talk or at least say 'hi'.  Surprisingly he did, but forced conversation is never a good thing.  He has promised to come out in a few weeks to celebrate my birthday; I'm secretly setting myself up for the let-down that he's not gonna show, and that I won't see him before Boston.

We shall see.....

There's another guy too, Niall.  He's in a friends class, and I met him at her birthday in January.  Trying to seem somewhat classier, and not as 'easy' as I really am, I wouldn't go home with him that night.  Which I thought was fair enough, considering 'he's the guy everyone hates' (even though I know I should judge him by my own standards and not anybody else's).  Anyway, I thought he'd forgotten all about me, but no.  I met him while out with some friends two weeks ago, and he was still cracking onto me - why he was still interested I don't know....I guess it was more desperation for that one night than anything else.  Again I turned him down, but then I started to think he was really interested, so maybe I should give him a chance.  So I gave him his one shot, the only chance he'll ever have with me; come out with me this Saturday night...  And so the story goes, so predictable at this point.  "Hey sorry I can't got grinds and kinda a girlfriend :/"

Wow, amazing how things can change in 10 days.  But hey, it just reinforces the fact that no guy sees me as more than a ONS.  And it hurts, it really does.  Never being told your beautiful, or having someone tell you they love you.  You get told your pretty, generally when there's alcohol involved - thank you beer goggles!

I'm just not good enough.
No matter what I do, or how hard I try,
It's just NOT  ENOUGH

It's been a while

Ok, I know it's been absolute ages since my last post.  Figured nobody would notice my absence, and who'd really care anyway?  In truth, my life's been falling apart, and it's come to a point where I just don't know what to do anymore, and I'm not so sure I can cope.

All I can do right now is summarize everything that's gone on in the past couple of months, and maybe get into more detail in later posts.

1. I'm going to Boston for the summer with some friends.  Simply because this is me running away from all my problems at home for the summer.
2. My dad has cancer, and he doesn't know if he's gonna make it through to the end of summer ie when I'm home for my birthday/start of summer/just before Boston, it could very well be the last time I see him.
3. I'm haunted by my miscarriage last year, and nobody to turn to for help.
4. Things with P finally got back on track after, what... almost 4 months of him not talking to me/avoiding me in person after I told him I had feelings for him and wanted more than a one night stand with him.  Not a relationship, but benefits, simple as.  He text me by mistake last Thursday night, and somehow I got the impression from the last text he sent that he wanted me.  So what did I do?  I told him I was still interested, but what was the point in getting my hopes up and us ruining our friendship. That I know all we'll ever be is just friends, but that was better than nothing.  And as expected, he's freaked, and now avoiding me.  Again.
5. I got the bar in, which is me trying to be all responsible and grown up.... honestly though, before I got it, I thought it might give me some closure over the miscarriage...  I had it for 3 or 4 months before I got it, but I wanted it put in as close to the date I would have become mum.  If anything, I've been even more of an emotional wreck then before
6. I started purging.  It's not as frequent as what it used to be...mostly because I don't think I'm very good at it.  It's like I'm not trying hard enough and I feel like not matter how much I get up, there's always way more still left inside.
7. I've also lost 2.5 st or 28 lbs since Christmas.  For a split second, when I saw my reflection in the mirror last night (in my underwear) I thought I looked good.  But then I remembered it was me in the mirror, and could only laugh at the thought of ever looking good...whatthehell was i thinking!

one of the girls in my class commented on my weight loss yesterday, which was nice in a way.  I didn't think anybody would have noticed because I can't see it when I look in the mirror (there's just so much fat hanging on). Thinking back on it though, I'm not so sure she was being genuine.
I went on a 'roadtrip' yesterday night with the same girl and her housemate.  They decided to go to a chipper/fast food place for dinner.  I didn't want anything, for obvious enough reasons.  I told them I'd already ate before I met them and didn't want to eat again so soon after the last meal....and of course the whole discussion of why I don't like to eat and all the rest of it was started.
I'm just so tired of the same BS over and over again.
Clearly I'm not doing as well with the whole cover-up thing as I thought....but then again people only seem to make a fuss when I refuse to eat the same shit dripping in fat&grease food that they do.

The results from last semester came out, and surprise surprise I failed one of my modules.  By 2%!  It's sickening, absolutely sickening.  I think I'm going to appeal it, I mean, it is 2%, plus I don't want the hassle of a repeat in August ruining my summer in the US.  I binged at breakfast as a result, but I'm going to hit the gym after college for 2hours+.  Going to do my normal workout, and then add an extra 500cals to burn onto it.  That should cover it.  The scales have been going down, slowly, but they're still going down.  I don't want to see a gain, I really don't.  I also need to work out extra hard for a few weeks actually (which has only just dawned on me).  All those extra calories I took in while I was in the Netherlands last week need to be gotten rid of.  Stupid alochol

I lost weight while I was in the Netherlands/Holland.  To be completely honest about it, I'm surprised.  I wasn't eating much over there, but I ended up drinking loads!  Way too much, but I couldn't really just drink water for the 5 or 6 days I was there.  I spent loads of money too, and got nothing to show for it.  No souvineers for the family or friends or anything.  I don't know if I smoked all that much either.  I don't know where the hell it went, all on transport I guess.

I think I'm happy with it overall.  It's all a loss and not a gain....but it could have been so much better.

I binged yesterday.  I can't remember the reasoning behind it, but I binged.  I didn't want to step on the scales today for fear of the number that would stare back at me.  Surprisingly though, I still lost weight from my last weigh in.  Another 2 lbs.  I'm not going to lie, I'm absolutely delighted with it.  And I'm even happier with the fact that I'm going to Holland in 6hours, and won't be back until next Saturday.
I know I won't be eating much over there because I won't trust that the food is vegan.  I'm bringing some bars (100cal) in case I need the energy.  If it was just a holiday I wouldn't bother, but it's for college, and it's group work with another Irish student and 2 Dutch students.  I don't want my lack of focus or concentration to affect their overall grade, whatever about my own.
I won't be drinking much, or maybe even not at all over there.  I really need to pay a visit to the dentist soon, my teeth are hurting so bad right now (also a great reason for not eating).  I'm hoping my class mates won't notice the avoidance of food too much though.  I'll try and cover up as best I can.  None of them were at Mo's 21st either, so it's not like they'll be keeping an eye on me on purpose.

Until next week,
Keep strong

So I've lost 4lbs since I was home last, about 2 weeks ago.  It's not the greatest, but a loss is a loss right?  I know it's not enough, but I'm gonna try my hardest to keep loosing, and to  be losing more

I've already posted about how awful I looked at Caroline's 21st, and I don't want to know what I looked like at Mo's.  The pictures are already posted on facebook, 260 of them!  She's only tagged me in 5.  I can't remember if I was in more than that or not, but I know I was avoiding the cameras' like the plague.

The food situation was perfect on Friday and Sunday.  Left for her house on Friday at 3, and it was around 6 o clock by the time I got down there (she lives on the coast, so it took that long to get there from the city).  Her mom already had dinner made for me, but I told them I'd picked up something in the shops half way down (lies) so I wasn't hungry (in truth I'd fasted up until then, and got away with just eating some peas, cabbage).  Also got to fast on Sunday - feeling sick from all I drank the night before (had 2 vodka and diet cokes, was drinking iced water the rest of the night, but they didn't know that).

Now for Saturday...what a disaster.
Mo had rented 2 holiday homes for all her friends to stay in for the weekend.  Her party was Saturday night, but a few of us went down on Friday.  I stayed in one of the houses with Mo and 4 other girls, and her sister, brother-in-law (who's a chef) and 3 of her brothers stayed in the other house.  I tried to sleep in for as long as I could Saturday morning (hoping to avoid breakfast), but they waited.  I mean, it was after midday at this stage, and I know they'd been up about the house since 8ish.  I managed to get away with a banana and a slice of toast, while the rest of them stuffed their faces with waffles, rashers/bacon, sausages, fried eggs, hash browns and 2 loaves of bread!  It was sickening to watch them all eat so much food.  Took the best part of an hour to cook it all, and it was gone in 10 minutes.  It actually makes me sick thinking about it.

Because we had breakfast so late (courtesy of yours truely), we were able to avoid lunch (but the girls filled up on junk food from the shop later in the day).  We started setting up the pub for the party, and when we got back to the rented houses, I was bombarded with questions about what I could and couldn't eat (vegan, so got to avoid the cakes too...that's right, there was 2 of them!).  They were doing these cocktail sausage rolls, spring rolls, mince pies and God knows what else.  I told them to just prep a salad for me later in the evening and that would be fine, but no, the darling chef insisted on preparing as much food for me as he would be for everyone else.  In his own words:  "Everyone else is going to be stuffing their faces all night, you might as well be too".

He made a few spring rolls, which I doubt were vegan, and some sandwiches.  He had my food in a seperate basket to the food for everyone else, just so I could eat.  So I was literally sitting in the pub with a basket of food in front of me, with all eyes on me, waiting for me to finish it.  Lucking there was another vegetarian there, so he helped me with the sandwiches - I was picking the salad out of the bread, he ate all the rest.  We managed to slip away to the toilets and flush the rest of them, and most of the spring rolls too.

I thought I'd gotten away with it, because this guy had been in on it too, but the asshole ratted me out to Mo and said that I hadn't eaten a single thing all night (bad move sticking with him after).  Don't even want to talk about the drama that kicked off back in the house afterwards - the less said the better, but I don't ever want to see that back stabber again.