11 December 2012

Damage Control

B-384184-friendship_largeI'm in serious need of some real friends right now.  I don't trust the ones I have any more.  All they do is cause drama.

I went to C & L's house on Saturday night for a 'girls night in'.  When L came home from work, they hit me with the news that by best friend is going out with girl, A, and that they've together for the past 3 weeks at least.

This wouldn't be a problem, except for the fact that 6 weeks ago, after his Graduation, he told me that he wanted to be with me, but was afraid of getting hurt, and was afraid of hurting me too. We said we'd forget we ever happened because he was so awkward after we got together, and he agreed that it would be a good idea....but then he went on to say that he'd still be  coming onto me because he really does like me, and that it's up to me to turn him down.  Again, that would be all well and good, but I was the one to get hurt last year when I opened up about my feelings to him, and he bolted.

One year later, all the stuff I didn't want to happen has happened.  We had sex, he got awkward, he didn't talk to me for a month afterwards (because I pretty much hunted him down in the end).  The one thing I didn't see coming was him telling me he had/has feelings for me.

I havn't really seen him since that conversation, because he's busy living his own life and I'm busy with college and work and stuff.

I was devastated on Saturday when I head he was with someone.  And the girls convinced me to text him asking how his girlfriend was.  I'm not sure if he realised what I said or not, because he text back saying that he wasn't too bad, and asked how I was.  I called him out on how 'happy' I am that he's not afraid of relationships anymore, and asked him if he even remembered us having that conversation...then I called him a retard.  He got pissed, naturally enough, wanting to know who was saying he was in a relationship.  I told him what I knew....that the girl, A, who he's seeing right now has been telling everyone that they've been together however long and asked him if he could understand why I'd be upset, considering that he told me he wanted me but was afraid of it.  I think this fear of his is also to do with the fact that we've known each other for two and a half years, and our friendship means the world to the two of us (or to me at least).

I text him about two hours ago apologising for what I said on Sunday, but that I only said it because I was hurt by all the stuff I was hearing.  It completely contradicted what I was told by him; I felt betrayed.  I also told him that I'm not sure where we stand right now, like if we're still friends or not, and that I'm worried about us.

I don't know when, or if I'll hear from him.  I'll be devastated if we're not.

I jumped the gun, I trusted what the girls were telling me when I should have known better.  The boy and I have never had a fight before, and I'm totally freaked that our first could also be our last, and the end of our relationship

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