20 November 2011

"Just go for it" he says... Now what?

~ This post is all about the boy, pure and simple.  Shit hit the fan (excuse the expression) in a way on Wednesday, and I just need to get it out there, get it out of my head ~

I thought I was over him, I really thought I was, but I was just hiding my feelings.

It's a long story, but I'll try and sum it up as best I can.

A group of us had lunch together on Wednesday.  Some of them had class or project work to do at the end of the hour, so there was only 3 of us left at the table - me, the boy, and Mike.  Mike had to help the Students Union with something, so obviously, it became just me and the boy.  I told him I liked him, and he shrugged it off and laughed.  He thought I was kidding.  I told him that someday, I'd fall hard for him, profess my love for him, that he'd laugh it off, and thus break my heart.

He called over to my apartment that night after class (he finished at 8).  I brought it up again throughout the night that I liked him.  The next 2 hours slipped away; the guy giving him a lift home stopped over.  I gave the boy my key so he could get M's car into the carpark, and while he was leaving, I said that I'd be in my room waiting for him when I got back.  To be honest, I was joking when I said it, but he asked if I had protection...so I said I'd have a laugh with it and really be waiting for him in my room when he came back into the apartment.  Surprisingly though, he really did come into my room.... and that's where it gets complicated.

I'd literally been telling him all day that I liked him, and that I wanted to be with him, and I know he had a lot on his mind (also part of the reason he brushed it all off), but I think it only dawned on him when he saw me waiting for him what I was talking about.  But even then....

He took a few steps towards me, and said "Just go for it".  I wasn't sure exactly what he meant, and he knew by the look on my face, so he said it again.  I walked up to him, looked in his eyes...but I couldn't tell if he really got it or not.  I knew he wanted me to go down on him, and I did, but I didn't want that to be the end of it.  I can't have a one night thing with this guy, and i think that may have been what he wanted.  I told him I couldn't do it, that I really liked him.  And then it clicked, I could see it.  He wasn't expecting it, he really wasn't.

Looking back on it, I think I may have made a bigger deal out of it than necessary.  I easily could have given him the impression that I was/am looking for a relationship, but I'm not.  It's more along the lines of FWB that I want with him, but it can't be a one night thing - it would destroy me if it was.  Not with him.  We were talking about what to do; just once, have it a few times, what happens if the other person gets with someone else etc. etc.  It was stressing him out because he doesn't want to hurt me.  I had to be honest with him; he didn't get exactly where I was coming from, and he had to see the full picture, he had to...didn't he??

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.  I don't know if I should call him, or wait for him to call me.  I don't want to leave it too late.  I don't want any bullshit awkwardness between us, I could really do without it, and it's that kinda shit that starts to destroy or taint relationships/friendships.

What the hell am I meant to do

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