Thinspo

Rant about C

I know I havn't really blogged at all this month, apart from daddy having cancer.
Oh how I hate that word, it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

I accidently let it slip to my housemate, C, that he has it.
Never ment for her to find out, mostly because her problems are always so much more important for us to talk about rather than mine...they're not really, she's really selfish and a major drama queen.  Her brothers marraige broke down, or she ran home 'to try and fix it', then when they did decide to get back together, she ran away home again, but this time, to try and keep them apart...because nobody in the family likes the wife.

I'm sorry C, we used to be able to talk last year, both of us.  You used to know how to listen, but now you don't.  My dad has cancer, and he will most likely die from it.  He's selling up the farm and everything because of it...clearly everything isn't ok.  I told the boy I liked him...  He told me to go for it, and I should have, but instead I tried to protect my fragile mind & heart, and told him how I really felt about him, and it actually got through to him.  But I may have ruined our friendship; lost one of  the few people in the world who makes me truely happy.  And all you can do is laugh.

You don't help me try and get over my feelings for him.  Instead you bring him up at any given opportunity-even when it's not appropriate.

Why??

I'm beginning to think you have a crush on him yourself.  You think that you are friends with him, but no.  Your not.  He's a nice guy, gives everyone and anyone the time of day...thats why he talks to you.  When he calls around to the apartment, it's to see me, not you.

You think you have it so much worse than everyone else.  You constantly run away from the pressures of the world, you have family you can rely on, and your own escape from the world.  It's easy for you.

I havn't been home in 3 months, even with finding out about daddy dearest...
Why?
Because I know I wouldn't come back to college and sit my exams if I went home.
I cry everyday, but you don't care.
You really couldn't care less.
Since April this year, I've lost my Godfather, the only Grandfather (Grandparent) I ever knew, and I lost a child
But you don't care.
If I ever bring any of it up, you literally tell me to stop talking and don't be silly.

What the hell?

Is this really what our friendship has come to?........



This post wasn't intended to be a rant about her, but clearly that's how it turned out.
Guess I just needed to get it all off my chest.

Will post about the important stuff tomorrow.

my dad has cancer, and i'm a complete wreck.
i can't stop crying.
I have no one i can go to; the girls are gossips, as soon as one of them know they all will, and i could really do without the mock sympathy from them.
The boy reckons we're better off as staying just friends, because if we bring benefits into it, things will only get complicated down the line, and we possibly won't remain friends afterwards.  which is fair enough, he values our friendship over sex, and i'm more important to him than just sex....but out of all the people in the world, he's the only person i want around me right now.  out of all the shoulders to cry on, i need his...but i can't ask him for that because i'll only wind up getting emotionally attached, and as it stands i'm already in denial about how much i really do want him.

i'm just the loneliest girl in the world right now...and theres nothing i can do to fix it

So now what?

I didn't want things to be weird between me and the boy, and I hadn't heard from him since the last time he was over.  I text him Monday night to see if he could meet up sometime over the week, just to make sure there wasn't any bullshit awkwardness between us.  We arranged to meet up for lunch on Wednesday...  he had a lot of college work to do, so he couldn't take the time for lunch, which was fair enough....but he mailed me on facebook instead of texting me.  Only for the fact that I was checking my email would I have known...I mean seriously, how hard is it to send a text?  I don't know, i don't know if he's just avoiding me now or what the story is.  As far as I'm concerned (as of right now at least), he's got to be the one to make the next move.  I don't want to be seen to be chasing him all over the place, and it'll do no good for sorting things out.

Foodwise, things have just gone downhill.  Not extremely downhill, but I've bought junkfood...so i'm freaked about it.  I can't bring myself to throw it away, and I'm not bingeing on it...so I guess it's not as bad it it could be, but still.

I feel like by body is turning to jelly.  I hate this feeling.  I should have gone to the gym after class today, I don't even know why I didn't....I guess I'm just a fat-ass lazy fuck

"Just go for it" he says... Now what?

~ This post is all about the boy, pure and simple.  Shit hit the fan (excuse the expression) in a way on Wednesday, and I just need to get it out there, get it out of my head ~


I thought I was over him, I really thought I was, but I was just hiding my feelings.

It's a long story, but I'll try and sum it up as best I can.

A group of us had lunch together on Wednesday.  Some of them had class or project work to do at the end of the hour, so there was only 3 of us left at the table - me, the boy, and Mike.  Mike had to help the Students Union with something, so obviously, it became just me and the boy.  I told him I liked him, and he shrugged it off and laughed.  He thought I was kidding.  I told him that someday, I'd fall hard for him, profess my love for him, that he'd laugh it off, and thus break my heart.

He called over to my apartment that night after class (he finished at 8).  I brought it up again throughout the night that I liked him.  The next 2 hours slipped away; the guy giving him a lift home stopped over.  I gave the boy my key so he could get M's car into the carpark, and while he was leaving, I said that I'd be in my room waiting for him when I got back.  To be honest, I was joking when I said it, but he asked if I had protection...so I said I'd have a laugh with it and really be waiting for him in my room when he came back into the apartment.  Surprisingly though, he really did come into my room.... and that's where it gets complicated.

I'd literally been telling him all day that I liked him, and that I wanted to be with him, and I know he had a lot on his mind (also part of the reason he brushed it all off), but I think it only dawned on him when he saw me waiting for him what I was talking about.  But even then....

He took a few steps towards me, and said "Just go for it".  I wasn't sure exactly what he meant, and he knew by the look on my face, so he said it again.  I walked up to him, looked in his eyes...but I couldn't tell if he really got it or not.  I knew he wanted me to go down on him, and I did, but I didn't want that to be the end of it.  I can't have a one night thing with this guy, and i think that may have been what he wanted.  I told him I couldn't do it, that I really liked him.  And then it clicked, I could see it.  He wasn't expecting it, he really wasn't.

Looking back on it, I think I may have made a bigger deal out of it than necessary.  I easily could have given him the impression that I was/am looking for a relationship, but I'm not.  It's more along the lines of FWB that I want with him, but it can't be a one night thing - it would destroy me if it was.  Not with him.  We were talking about what to do; just once, have it a few times, what happens if the other person gets with someone else etc. etc.  It was stressing him out because he doesn't want to hurt me.  I had to be honest with him; he didn't get exactly where I was coming from, and he had to see the full picture, he had to...didn't he??


I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.  I don't know if I should call him, or wait for him to call me.  I don't want to leave it too late.  I don't want any bullshit awkwardness between us, I could really do without it, and it's that kinda shit that starts to destroy or taint relationships/friendships.

What the hell am I meant to do? 

Thinso

Much needed thigh-gap thinspo.  Mostly to give me inspiration for the rest of the day, and inspire me to work my ass off in the gym later!

Who would you rather be??

or....

I know which girl I dream of being...

Epic Fail

Yet another of life's major fuck-ups.  But there's nothing new there really is there?

I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore.  I just seem to be making a complete balls of it all lately, and to be honest, I can't see a way to fix it...any of it.

I've had a few exams and assignments in college in the past few weeks, and I've failed all of them bar one.  And they were all worth 40-50% of my overall grade....so ya, epic fail! Currently in 3rd year, and if I've any hope of getting into 4th year I need to get a 50% average at the end of the year (with no failed modules).  I can't see that happening...  And when my 'vision' (if that's what you want to call it) comes true, I just don't know what I'm meant to do.  Finding a job is next to impossible right now.  I've been searching for months and havn't found anything.  In a way it's a blessing though; imagine how badly I'd be failing if I had a job to worry about too!  I don't even want to think about it.

There was a repeat for management last Friday at 3; there was 10 or so people in my class who hadn't got their results before the re-sit, and of course I was one of them - and thought I'd passed it (actually failed miserably) so I didn't bother with it.  Got the result in Monday morning's class...and just for the fun of it and to make a point about it, my lecturer points out to the entire class that if "Mademoiselle was going for a job, she'd get it no problem if it was based on interviews (and interviews alone).  However, if they were exam based, she'd never have a hope in hell!  She's just not capable"

....I'm sorry but like, wtf?!  How dare you Sir!  How very dare you.

So ya, I'm stressed up to my eye-balls right now, and I just can't seem to find an escape.  I don't know what the hells going on, or what I'm meant to do about (or with) it.

Went to the library tonight to study to try and make back some of my grade at the end of the year, and the girl I was sitting with pointed out how sad I've been looking for the past few days, Not that I'd realised it or anything, but thanks, that's just what I needed to hear.

Ugh, I don't know.  I don't even know why I'm doing this post right now.  Guess I just need to let it out somewhere.

It's half-past midnight, so I'm going to fast for the day....maybe two, we'll see.  I just need to feel in control again, even if just for a day.

Measured last week, and I'd lost 2.5 inches by Sunday, which I was happy about.  Planned on re-measuring this morning, but that oh-so-wonderful time of the month happened to stop by, so I'm going to hold off for a week and then check.  I've been neglecting my legs, I know that.  Don't ask me how, but I managed to put on a inch one of my thighs...ya that's right, put on an inch on one thigh, in one week.  That shit shouldn't be allowed happen.

Didn't end up going to Dave's party last night.  I'm really close to one of the girls he's living with,C, and she got food poisoning yesterday, so she wasn't going out.  And Caroline wasn't going out either (last minute change-of-mind).  It was mostly going to be his class-mates going out, and I don't really know any of them.  It's just a pity that I spend 2 hours getting ready and struggling with the false eye-lashes for much longer than necessary for nothing.  Was just about to call the taxi when C rang and told me she wouldn't be going.  I know she couldn't have helped it, but it's so frustrating...not even about the time wasted in getting ready,  but I broke my fast :(  Now granted it was from 10am Monday until about 2.30pm yesterday....so 100 hours?  When I look at it like that it's so bad, but there's another blogger that was fasting from midnight on Tuesday until midnight on Friday or Sunday (depending on her weight), and I wanted to join her on it, for all of it.  I'm just disappointed in myself ya know?  I'm going to study for the weekend anyway, and eat a bit to help me focus on that, and then fast again from midnight on Sunday.

I was furious with myself last night for the whole eating thing...what I'm going to do from now on is eat just before I start drinking, not a few hours before I start.  At least then if a repeat of last night happens, I won't get caught :)  I watched Sabrina last night instead, and didn't eat either.  Wanted to focus on how stunning Audrey Hepburn is...and omg isn't she just captivating?  How I wish I had even a pinch of her beauty.

What's a Girl to do?

I don't know what the hell is going on with my class mates these days, well, the girls at least.  It's like they're doing everything in their power to destroy me.  And guess what, it's working!  The whole food shit started in double Marketing today, during the ten minute break.  Same BS started by the same girl, and then backed up by S.  Literally having a war of words over how I once upon a time I used to eat pasta, & how there's eggs & milk in it....Em no girls, try 100% durum wheat, and as for bread, yep you guessed it, no milk or eggs either! Wheat and preservatives!  Honestly, you think you google & you know it all, try reading labels, and grow a frickin' brain while your at it!  So pissed, not even about the main girl, but S...I just don't understand why she backs her up.  I mean really, your meant to be one of my besties in the class, yet when the opportunity arises for you to, pretty much, stab me in the back, you take it with open arms.  Ugh, I could literally dedicate a post to how pissed, hurt and offended I am by her right now, but I'm just not going to waste my time.

On to the important stuff:
I measured in this morning (don't have a scale so I couldn't weigh in too).  Shall post the overall inch loss on Tuesday when I finish the fast....but I think I'm going to take it before I break it on Friday; the bloating from the drink from Dave's party is going to throw it off if I just continue on....or a better idea would be to start it all over again on Saturday, lets say 9am??  Idk, I'll post whatever I decide on come Saturday.

I'm feeling sorta weird atm, like I'm dehydrated or something.  I don't think I drank enough water at all today.  Less than 750mls... Definately not enough, but I'll increase it tomorrow.  I'd have to anyway because I'm going to the gym after class on my own so I shall be there for at least two and a half hours :)  I skipped it today because I was so upset with the girls from class, but I can't let them get the better of me.  It's just not worth it.  Easier said than done, I know : /  I'm feeling really flabby, I hate it.  Think I might focus more on weights tomorrow than I normally do.  Maybe split my cardio in half & do weights in between, then I'll be doing twice as much of them, and fingers crossed, I won't feel so jelly-like tomorrow evening.

















Flat abs...what my dreams are made of <3

Nov 7

Today was a good day.

Woke up late for college so I had the excuse for my flat-mate as to why I wasn't eating breakfast (like I would have anyway!)  One of our classes was canceled so I had a two hour gap/lunch, went to Sarah's for tea and a chat...(she ate biscuits).  S was pestering me to go to the gym with her straight after last class.  I don't fancy going at that time too often, especially on Mondays, because it's always so crowded.  Had planned on going later on this evening but I said I'd go with her just to satisfy her and get her off my back.  450 cals burned on the cross-trainer (30mins), then some weights for the last half hour.  One reason I hate going to the gym with people is that they never seem to have the stamina or motivation to keep going as long as I'd like to be there.

I was only home about 15 mins when C told me she would be going into the library to study, and I joined her so I wouldn't be around food or anything & my fast would be that much easier.  I like the feeling of an empty stomach, I really do.  It's like it gives me the hunger to keep going with fasting rather than the hunger to eat...if that makes any sense to anyone.

I'm hoping I'll wake early enough in the morning so I can hit the gym before class (don't start 'til 11am), if not I'll go if the evening...might try and drag C along too, I really feel like I should help her loose some weight.  I don't like being around all her unhealthy habits; I guess I'm afraid they will rub off on me eventually.

So I'm joining a fast with one of the other bloggers; starting from midnight (10mins) we are fasting until Saturday/Sunday.  I have DOS's 21st on Friday though, so I'll have to fast for an extra few days for make up for all the calories I'll be consuming through alcohol.  However, I will get drunk so much faster so you'd never know, maybe I won't be drinking that much at all....

It's really starting to frustrate me that I don't have a scales in my college apartment, and I havn't been home in about two months so I really have no idea what I'm weighing in at these days, although I can feel and see it in myself that I have lost.  At least that's something :)  I know I could weigh in at the gym, but the scales are in the gym instructors office.  I know they have an open-door policy and all that so you can just walk in and use it, and they're really nice and stuff too....but I know the main instructor, I have for the past three years and he's forever lecturing me on my diet and working out too hard (as if there's such a thing, and like he's one to talk).

Em...so ya, I feel like I'm totally rambling now so I'll finish up there






                                              love microdermals!

Nov 6 - 1.50 pm

I've been up for the past 3 hours, reading blogs and arsing around on facebook and what-not.  The guy I'm living with was up before me, his blaring of the TV in his room woke me up...good morning X-Factor!  Anyway, he's making breakfast now, a good ole fry.  It's disgusting!  The smell is wafting it's way from the kitchen into my room, and I feel like I'm gonna throw up.  I'd nearly purge but I know there's nothing inside to come out, which I'm happy about, I must say.

After I've exhausted all possibilities online, I'll go for a shower, wash my hair, shave my legs etc., then clean my room.  By that time it should be nearly 5 o'clock or after.  I might allow myself a bowl of porridge (with water of course) for 'breakfast'.  C might be here by that time too, so we may go grocery shopping.  And I will put money on the fact that she will stop in a Abra for her dirty kabab for dinner.  I on the other hand, will remain in the car; no shit food for M today...or the month for that matter.

There was no real purpose for this post, just to rant about that fat bastard that I'm living with.  Ew!
Will post later with thinspo

Damned if I Do... Damned if I Don't

So what's a girl to do?  There's a particular group of girls in my class (note I'm not referring to them as my friends, they're more friends of friends) who have major issues with my food choices.  As in, anything I eat, they always find some fault with it or with me eating it...or maybe it's just me in general, idk.  And then when I don't eat anything for lunch or breaks in class, they criticize me for not eating anything.  They also bring it up in the middle of classes, like in Health Promotion last week.  WTF?!

I just can't win with these girls.  What's worse is that one of the girls I would normally consider my bestie out of my class mates is right in there with this group...and I really don't know who's side she's on.  She's right in there with them when they're bitching about the food or lack thereof.  It doesn't make any sense to me because when it's just the two of us then, there never seems to be a problem.

So I ask you, what's a girl to do?

Also havn't heard from the boy since last week when he said that all was good after I burnt him...  I wasn't too sure then because it seemed like he was downplaying how serious it was, and I was really upset about it because he's one of my best friends...and I also have the biggest crush on him right now, or should that be 'had'?  I really don't want to loose him as a friend, I need him around because he's so good for spirit.  Don't want to jeopardize it by telling him how I feel, or even by having the crush on him, so it has downsized a bit.  I binged last week after I was talking to him.  I was a total mess at the thought of loosing him.  I fasted most of the rest of the week though, so no real damage was done overall.

I just wish I knew where I stood with him, and with my class.  I guess they just think they're just messing around with me, but I'm not as strong as they think I am and I'm taking it all to heart.  But I guess if it helps me focus of fasting and shifting this weight, then it's ok?

I really just don't know anymore


















Just look at the difference between Cheryl and that fat lump of a fan of hers.  Ewwwwww!