Jan 5th

I had my last exam for this semester today.  I wish I could say with confidence that I did well in it, or even to have that slight feeling that I may have, but no.  I think it's a given that I've failed (just something else).

I'm so happy right now to be finished up for the next 3 weeks.  I called work after my exam to see what hours I am working this week.  I'm only on 3 nights, so it's giving me loads of time to go to the gym (once it opens again on Monday).  On the days that I'm working I'll go in the morning, because it will take me half the day to get ready and get there on time.

One thing I don't understand about working in a call center, or maybe it's just the one I work for, is why I have to dress up for it.  Business during the week and Business Casual at the weekends.  It's not like I'm going to any meetings or meeting clients or anything.  I'm answering phone calls, and being fucked out of it by majority of the customers.  Um hello, I'm here to help you, so please stop giving out.  I'm not the one who caused your problem, I'm just some girl sitting behind a computer.

I have just one month left in my contract, and I can't wait until it's finished!  This sedentary lifestyle just isn't for me, but considering my qualification as a Personal Trainer, that's hardly surprising.  I need to spend as much of this month  as I can investing in my body.  My house mate Sarah won't be here, so I won't surrounded by her full-of-fat diet, and won't be forced into getting the bi-weekly Chinese fast food either.  This semester, I'm going to spend my days studying or else in the gym until college closes (10pm).  It's not such a big deal because it's just Monday - Thursdays, and on my 'nights off' I'll go see what few friends I have left...  I'll try and figure out what friends I have left.  Top of the list is salvaging what's left between me and the boy.  I know I'm thinking the worst, but I just figure it's better to prepare myself for the heartbreak when he's not around rather than letting him see how much it's destroying me inside.

I love this girl.
She's beautiful, smart (literally top grade student), has almost too many friends to count, and is skinny too (obviously).

Resolution 2012, check mate :)

I was reading over some posts and I found my New Years Resolution for 2012.

It's was to be confident naked, especially around those who held a place in your heart.

It's kind of funny, because it's almost like I was pushing for me and the boy to get together.

We did, and I was, so ya... I guess that's one 'achievement' checked off the list.

So with this Pole Dancing thought, it's not so much to do it because it's Pole Dancing/Fitness, it's more about getting a flat stomach.

I was there in August, before I came home, and things went downhill from there. 

I know I need to re-adjust my eating again.

Can't be quite as extreme as I was over Summer - don't need the hassle of the disorder rumors

Pole Fitness - NYR

So I'm only 3 days into the New Year and I've finally decided on my New Years Resolution.

I want to start pole fitness/dancing....what ever you want to call it.

I'm hating my current job, and heard of a position in the fitness studio close to home.

I think it would be pretty cool to be able to teach pole fitness classes there someday (not that I actually have the job ~yet~).

I think it's pretty cool, something that will bring confidence you know.

Plus it's something that will make you slim down and build up your strength - the perfect combo!

Olsens'

If Mary-Kate and Ashley actually ate even half of the crap that is in front of them in the above picture, would they really be as thin and beautiful as they are??

What I hate, What I want

I hate the fact that I have one of the largest noses.
-Scratch that, I hate the fact that I have one of the largest BODIES.
-I hate how the guy I adore, love, and would do absolutely anything for doesn't notice me, and he would be easily attainable if I were thinner/prettier.
-I hate that my hair is thinning out.
-I hate how I'm anti-social.
-I hate how I can never trust people in my life, and then I eventually lose them.
-I hate that I can't keep friends.
-I hate that I'm constantly looking over my shoulders worrying about whether somebody is talking about me behind my back or not.
-I hate how I'm an awkward person to be around...
-I hate my clothing style. I hate my eyes. I hate the color of my hair..
-I hate my past. Every little detail about it.
-I hate how everyone talks to me as though I'm a child.
-I hate that I can't find nice clothing.
-I hate that I cannot have thin legs, arms, and a flat stomach.
-I hate that I blow things off until the last minute, or until it's too late.
-I hate that I've lost my motivation for Ana.
-I hate that I may never be thin if I don't keep this up.
-I hate that I haven't lost anything in the matter of 2 months.
-I hate how I assume everyone dislikes me; and when I assume otherwise, they actually do dislike like.
-I hate the fact that I cannot find anymore hope.

I hate hating myself.


I want to be thin.
I want to be perfect.
I want a boyfriend.
I want my family and friends to love me again.
I want to trust others, and most importantly, trust myself.

I done fooling around. Now, everything I say and do will be serious. Every time I see food, I'll think about how much I despise myself. I truly just want to be loved.
This is my motivation.

So I made a post a while back that has meant I've had to revert some of my posts into drafts.

The post I'm talking about included pictures of a girl I met over the summer, and there was previous posts that, if my blog was found by certain people, would definitely like it back to me.

So I've hidden my posts from the past 10 months, but it's not like there was a tone of them to begin with anyway.

I'll be posting more regularly though, because I need this.

I need this little place of my own that I can purge all my thoughts and not get judged by it.

It's what friends are for, but I don't have many of those.  I slept with my best friend a few months ago.  I thought it was going to make our friendship stronger, and he thought it was going to destroy us, so he avoided me for a month afterwards.  We got back on track after we talked about it, and I learned he had feelings for me too (he's known about my feelings for him for just over a year now).  Anyway, he told me he wanted to get in a relationship with me, but was afraid because of a past relationship.  I know what happened in this relationship, and I completely understand the boys concerns' of getting in another relationship.

Now here's the problem.  A mutual friend of ours is pretty much trying to force me and boy into a relationship, which isn't doing us any favours.  Shit hit the fan a few weeks thanks to this particular friend.  I hadn't seen the boy in 4 or 5 weeks, and she told me he had been going out with this girl for the past 3 weeks.  I didn't believe it because I've known the boy the last 3 years, and I know what he's like when it comes to relationships, and I know he wouldn't betray me like that - to make me feel all these feelings again.  The poison of those rumors made me call him out on what was going on with this other girl (I'll say it like I was actually with him).  He got pissed that I was getting involved, which I get because I did cross the line...in all fairness, despite how hard it may be to admit that, it is true.

I was heartbroken after these rumors and told myself that I wouldn't be  the one to chase after him and be the only one making an effort to save our friendship.  Basically it was down to him to apologize.   But, I caved after 2 days.  I text him to tell him that I was sorry for crossing the like, and explained that I was hurt, but he had to get that because of everything he told me.

Anyway, he's back talking to me again...of sorts.  He text me Christmas Day to wish me a happy Christmas, which really did mean a lot. I asked him if we could meet up after New Years, and he agreed.  Chats will be had but if it sorts things out, even just a little, it will be worth it.

I've been in a pattern of binge and restrict since all this happened. I've been doing the soup diet since Christmas because I ate so so much.  I don't know what my weight was when I started this current cycle of mess that I'm currently in, but I checked my weight when I came home from work today and I'm down about 4-6 lbs from where I remember last struggling to loose even a single lb.

So I've gained some control back, and things seem to be working out again.

How Come Your Not Here?

It's a simple question, with a not so simple answer.

Still without my best friend.

Realised this morning that I started this year not knowing if we were still friends or not (in the midst of the silent treatment for opening up about my feelings for him), and that I'm finishing the year in the same boat.  Not knowing if we're still friends, or how long it's going to take me to find out.

Pinks song 'How Come Your Not Here' pretty much sums up how I've been feeling the past couple of weeks, so hence the blog title and video.

Damage Control

I'm in serious need of some real friends right now.  I don't trust the ones I have any more.  All they do is cause drama.

I went to C & L's house on Saturday night for a 'girls night in'.  When L came home from work, they hit me with the news that by best friend is going out with girl, A, and that they've together for the past 3 weeks at least.

This wouldn't be a problem, except for the fact that 6 weeks ago, after his Graduation, he told me that he wanted to be with me, but was afraid of getting hurt, and was afraid of hurting me too. We said we'd forget we ever happened because he was so awkward after we got together, and he agreed that it would be a good idea....but then he went on to say that he'd still be  coming onto me because he really does like me, and that it's up to me to turn him down.  Again, that would be all well and good, but I was the one to get hurt last year when I opened up about my feelings to him, and he bolted.

One year later, all the stuff I didn't want to happen has happened.  We had sex, he got awkward, he didn't talk to me for a month afterwards (because I pretty much hunted him down in the end).  The one thing I didn't see coming was him telling me he had/has feelings for me.

I havn't really seen him since that conversation, because he's busy living his own life and I'm busy with college and work and stuff.

I was devastated on Saturday when I head he was with someone.  And the girls convinced me to text him asking how his girlfriend was.  I'm not sure if he realised what I said or not, because he text back saying that he wasn't too bad, and asked how I was.  I called him out on how 'happy' I am that he's not afraid of relationships anymore, and asked him if he even remembered us having that conversation...then I called him a retard.  He got pissed, naturally enough, wanting to know who was saying he was in a relationship.  I told him what I knew....that the girl, A, who he's seeing right now has been telling everyone that they've been together however long and asked him if he could understand why I'd be upset, considering that he told me he wanted me but was afraid of it.  I think this fear of his is also to do with the fact that we've known each other for two and a half years, and our friendship means the world to the two of us (or to me at least).

I text him about two hours ago apologising for what I said on Sunday, but that I only said it because I was hurt by all the stuff I was hearing.  It completely contradicted what I was told by him; I felt betrayed.  I also told him that I'm not sure where we stand right now, like if we're still friends or not, and that I'm worried about us.

I don't know when, or if I'll hear from him.  I'll be devastated if we're not.

I jumped the gun, I trusted what the girls were telling me when I should have known better.  The boy and I have never had a fight before, and I'm totally freaked that our first could also be our last, and the end of our relationship